


Impossible People

by thefreakfox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love, human cas, kind of season 9 but not really, set after season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:42:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1213120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefreakfox/pseuds/thefreakfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a human, Cas had retained this wonderful ability to love everyone, and to make them feel loved. Only with Sam, that had led to shit of epic proportions, because even though Cas made Sam feel loved, it wasn’t the kind of love Sam wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible People

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to one of the Eagles' album, Hotel California, and stumbled over "Wasted Time" and then this happened. I hope you enjoy it - it's my first Sastiel and I really hope I didn't fuck up.

The title is taken from Carol Rifka Brunt, "Tell the Wolves I'm Home" and was suggested by the lovely [eierschalenblau](http://eierschalenblau.tumblr.com).

She's also the best beta a writer could ask for. I love you <3

* * *

 

_Well baby, there you stand, with your little head, down in your hand_   
_Oh, my God, you can't believe it's happening again_   
_Your baby's gone, and you're all alone and it looks like the end._   
  
_You never thought you'd be alone this far_   
_Down the line_   
_And I know what's been on your mind, you're afraid it's all been wasted time_

_Another love has come and gone and the years keep rushing on_   
_I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:_   
_"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."_   
_So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine_   
_And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really_   
_Wasted time_

(the Eagles, Wasted Time)

 

 After they had fixed the stuff Metatron had fucked up, Cas had stayed human.  
He stuck to the Winchesters side and they hunted together; and one time he bought an album of some band because it was called “These Things Move In Threes” and apparently that was the kind of humor a human Cas had.

Sam had laughed a little bit, to be honest.  
Partly because somehow it _was_ funny, and partly because he fucking loved making Cas happy. Because this thing Sam had? That had started out as a bit of a hero complex, because seriously _, Angels_?  
Well, around the time Cas had been officially appointed the job of map-reader, that thing had turned from a crush into a full- on ‘Fuck I love you and want to have your biologically impossible babies’ – love.

Not that Sam had ever told anyone about it. He could hardly just explain to his brother and his brother’s best friend how he kind of fell in love with said best friend.  
No, Sam tucked that feeling safely into his chest and tried to show his love through normal, everyday things; like washing Cas’ socks and sometimes buying Cas’ favorite softener even though it smelled a bit girly and was insanely expensive.

And after there hadn’t been any monster left to kill (not many, anyway; and the few that were left, well – there was a new generation of hunters now, they could handle that) and they decided to settle down somewhere, Sam became Cas go-to for his love problems.

It wasn’t intentional at first; Sam was clever enough to spare himself that kind of hurt, thank you very much.  
But just as Cas had often gone to him when he didn’t understand humanity, he started Sam questioning about relationships, date rules, and sex.

Now, Cas wasn’t really particular about his partners.  
Men and women, he loved them all. Sam sometimes thought that it was a leftover from his time as an angel; after all, Cas had always proclaimed that God didn’t particularly cared about who you loved, just as long as you loved.  
And now, as a human, Cas had retained this wonderful ability to love everyone, and to make them feel loved.  
Only with Sam, that had led to shit of epic proportions, because even though Cas made Sam feel loved, it wasn’t the kind of love Sam wanted.

They had chosen to settle down in Sioux Falls, renting a flat.  
The plan was to rebuild Bobby’s house, so Dean could maybe work as a mechanic. Cas found work in a grocery store, and Sam found a job as instructor at a gym one town over.  
It was kind of nice, Sam thought. It definitely wasn’t the life he’d expected to lead, but nevertheless, it was nice.  
He liked having Dean and Cas around; he’d always needed someone near.  
This need was probably born out of the life they led with their dad, always sticking together, sleeping in the same room, always breathing the same air.  
Before he went to Stanford, he’d had this phase where he suddenly wanted something for himself, and that was one of the reasons he went – only to realize he couldn’t sleep one bit when he was alone in the room.  
He felt uneasy when he walked across campus without having someone beside him; so for the first few weeks, before he’d found some friends, he attached himself to larger groups of people, simulating the feeling of nearness.

***

The first time Cas came to him for relationship advice, Sam nearly fell over from shock. Cas had sat himself beside Sam, looking thoughtful.

(One time, at a diner, Cas had made him snort in his milkshake three times in one evening: one time because he actually managed to tell a joke, one time because he misunderstood an innuendo the waiter had made, and finally, the third time, because he still cocked his head to the side when he thought about something; only this time after a haircut gone a whole lotta wrong, you could see that his ear also twitched when he cocked his head; and Sam had just completely lost it.)

He had been looking exactly like that, with his head cocked, only you couldn’t see his twitching ear, because the hair had grown out again and now had the bed-hair look that made Sam’s insides very squirmy, and his hands restless because he wanted to touch so badly.

“Would you say that you prefer roses over other flowers, Sam?” Cas had asked, rather innocently.

“Uhm. I guess?” He’d answered, hoping to whoever had taken lead in heaven that this was going where he thought it was going.

“And the color? They have to be red, yes? It seems like that it is custom to ask someone out and bring red roses.”

“Well. Yeah? I mean, not necessarily, many people like it when you bring them the flowers you like most, I think. But when you don’t know what they like, you can bring red roses, that usually does the trick,” he’d explained. After a moment of hesitation, he’d added, “I like dahlias best; they aren’t as boring as roses.”

Cas had nodded and gone away, mumbling to himself, and Sam had been left behind with a racing heart.

***

The next day, when Sam was having lunch break, Dean had called him, wheezing with laughter.

“Dude, you’ll never guess what happened!”

Sam hadn’t said anything; when Dean started his phone calls like that, chances were high that he’d just come out with it, too impatient to wait for the follow-up question.

“So, Cas, yeah? He tried to ask that chick out that works with him. Black hair, big boobs. And he brought flowers and all, only he didn’t bring roses. He brought dahlias. Like, this huge bunch of dahlias.”

Sam’s insides turned to ice and he had to sit down.

“And he started to talk to her and she just turned all blotchy and started coughing and all that shit. Turns out she’s highly allergic to dahlias. And Cas, he just stood there and didn’t know what to do. I bet he forgot he’s not an angel anymore and touched her forehead. Well, long story short, Cas called an ambulance and she had to go to the hospital.”

Sam hummed, not really able to speak. Cas had brought someone else his favorite flowers. No big deal, right? It had been stupid to expect that Cas had actually asked for his sake.

“And get this, he still got a date. Can you believe it? The guy has more game than us combined, even though he nearly killed the chick. Sick world, dude.”

“I. I have to go, Dean. See ya later. Bye,” Sam chocked out and finished the call.

Cas had never wanted him. Cas wanted other people, but never him.

***

When Cas had come home that day, glowing with pride and happiness, Sam had managed to pat him on the back, saying some encouraging stuff.  
But when Cas had started to ask about when he should call her, Sam had all but ran out of the flat.

He’d gotten better after that, managing to give Cas advice how to get to second or third base (and what that actually meant) without leaving the room afterwards and wanting to beat somebody up.

Dean had his fair share of one night stands, too.  
Only Sam didn’t manage to find someone; he didn’t have the heart to kiss, much less fuck somebody when the one person he wanted was busy fucking someone else.

***

The day Cas had come home with his first broken heart had been a new low.

***

Cas looked kind of shell-shocked when he opened the door to the flat.  
It would still take another three weeks until they could move into the house on Bobby’s scrapyard, but now that they knew they would move soon, they got pretty restless; the flat seemed to small all of a sudden when they had managed to live there nearly a year without any problems.

“Sam, can I ask you something?” Cas said and sat down at their kitchen table.

“Everything okay? You don’t look so good,” Sam said and stopped preparing dinner.

“When somebody tells you they don’t love you anymore, what do you do?” Cas looked deeply shaken, his hair more chaotic than in a long time.

“Uhm,” Sam said eloquently, “It depends, I guess. What did she say exactly?” He sat down beside Cas, pulling his chair up to his.

“ _He_ said that it wouldn’t work with us. Because I lived with two other guys and he couldn’t trust me with that. He doesn’t like how close we are, you and me especially. With Dean, everybody knows that he’s into women, but you… he thought you loved me, and that you wanted to steal me away from him.”

Cas voice sounded broken, and Sam saw that he clenched his fists repeatedly.

“I thought that he loved me. And that he trusted me. You trust people you love, don’t you?”

“Yeah, Cas. You do,” Sam answered and put a hand on Cas’ shoulder.

It was almost funny, how close Cas’ boyfriend (and the fact that it was a _boy_ friend was a whole other level of misery Sam experienced) had come to the truth.

“But sometimes, even though you love them… there are moments when you can’t trust them. Not because they aren’t trustworthy, but because they are insecure. Or sometimes just because. Humans are hard to understand, sometimes.”

Cas, who had been staring down at the table suddenly looked up, blue eyes piercing the distance between him and Sam.

“Do you love me, Sam?” He asked, despair thick in his voice. “I need you to love me, Sam. People are so hard, but you always understand me. Why is that?”

Sam’s heart beat rabbit fast in his chest.

“Sure I do, Cas,” he said quietly and pulled Cas into his arms, realizing that Cas smelled heavily of booze. “I’ll always love you.”

Cas put his face in Sam’s neck and his breathing sounded wet, more and more like sobs.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “It’s nice, you know? Having someone that loves you, but not in that kind of way. It would be very complicated if you really loved me, because I could never love you like that. I like that you love me, Sam. It makes me very happy.”

Sam’s laugh was jittery. How was this his life? How was it that everyone saw, but Cas didn’t?

“Let’s get you into bed, Cas. It’ll look better in the morning, I promise,” Sam said and stood up, maneuvering Cas into standing and led him into his room.

He sat Cas on the bed and untied his shoes, pulled them off and helped Cas get out of his clothes.  
His hands shook when he opened Cas’ shirt, and even more when he helped him get out of his jeans. This was all he was ever going to get, he reminded himself.  
He was allowed to touch Cas, and help him undress, but he would never be allowed to do more, to _be_ more than just his friend.

Cas crawled under the covers, only his face visible.

“Sleep, Cas,” Sam said and wanted to move out of the room to spare himself further embarrassment, but Cas’ hand shot out of under the covers and held his wrist.

“Lie with me, please? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Sam sighed.  
He knew he shouldn’t do it; he knew he should save himself the heartbreak, but he just couldn’t. So he took of his shoes and his jeans and lay down beside Cas, who instantly snuggled into his side.

“I feel safe with you, Sam. You would never hurt me.”

Sam closed his eyes to prevent his tears from falling.

“I’d never hurt you, Cas,” he said.

 

**Author's Note:**

> and here's the full quote that led to the title:  
> "Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have.  
> Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them.  
> Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again."  
> \- Carol Rifka Brunt, "Tell the Wolves I'm Home"


End file.
